Dear Leanne,
I have been married to my husband for 2.5 years. We have a good relationship but we obviously come from really different families and it’s starting to be a problem.
My family tends to have a bit more class or tact than his (although I would never say that to my husband’s face). We dress up for holidays. Everyone arrives on time and we all pitch in to help.
My husband’s family is very casual. They drink a lot at holiday gatherings. My Mother in Law is expected to do all the work (make the food, set the table, offer drinks etc.).
Last year we went to my in-laws house for Christmas morning. I am the youngest of the group so I volunteered to pass out the gifts.
While I was on my hands and knees bending down to reach a gift under the tree my Father-in-Law said, “Wow son! Your wife has quite the nice ass”. I was completely mortified. Most of the family laughed at this comment but I was livid and my husband knew it.
When we got home I addressed how inappropriate his father had been. My husband responded saying “that’s just how my Dad is. He didn’t mean anything by it”. I didn’t think I could feel worse but then I did. My husband is choosing his father over my feelings. I don’t ever want to go over to their home again but I realize that’s not an option. What should I do?
Thanks,
Feeling Unsupported
Dear Feeling Unsupported,
I am so sorry you are in this situation. It’s very common for a couple to come from different backgrounds and struggle with the differences.
Family Differences
In many situations I would suggest you talk directly to the offender, tell him how you feel and ask that it not happen again. However, one thing I know is that rarely can you change your spouse’s family. Every family has unspoken rules. For instance, in your family it’s probably an unspoken rule that you don’t offend anyone for any reason. In your husband’s family an unspoken rule may be that your Father-in-law is allowed to make these demeaning remarks and they all have to giggle. Approaching your Father-in-Law is probably out of the question.
That doesn’t, however, mean you have to accept this type of behavior.
Get Your Husband to Understand
The first thing which needs to be addressed are your feelings. Your husband will need to understand that just because his father ‘didn’t mean anything’, doesn’t make it okay. Your feelings are important and your husband needs to be supportive of them regardless of his family’s unspoken rules. Let him know how hurt, humiliated and angry you were. You come before his family.
Establish Boundaries
Next you need to establish some boundaries. Just because they are your in-laws doesn’t mean that ‘it’s not an option’ not to go to their home. If their home has become an unsafe place for you, don’t go. You have no obligation to put yourself in a position to be offended or hurt.
If you do continue to visit your in-laws home, make a plan with your husband as to what you will do when and if you are treated like this in the future (which it sounds like you will be).
I suggest if it occurs again that your husband immediately intervene. Whether he pulls his father aside and asks that he stop the comments or he says it in front of the entire group, his father needs to know he is on your side and will not tolerate his wife being treated in this manner. In addition, have your husband tell his father that if it happens again the two of you will be leaving. If it does happen again, LEAVE!
Good Luck to you Feeling Unsuppported!
Sincerely,
Leanne
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