It’s sometimes hard to approach a husband even if your intent is just to help. Below is an example and tips you can use to emotionally support your husband with a difficult decision.
Scenario
Let’s use the following scenario as an example of how to help your husband with a difficult decision.
Let’s say my husband is close to retirement and he was recently asked to take on a new role with his company that would require him to commute farther several days per week. He is deeply troubled by this situation as he doesn’t want to assume this daunting task so late in his career but he also realizes he still needs to work for the next couple of years.
He is a very passionate person who wears his emotions on his sleeve so offering my advice or input can be tricky sometimes as he often feels threatened or attacked.
Approach
What approach should be used or what advice can be offered to him that will help him be able to make the right decision? He has recently overcome a mental health crisis and this added stress could cause him to regress or have another issue.
Given that he wears his heart on his sleeve your approach will have to appear non controlling and non threatening.
Prepare Him for an Emotional Conversation
In the book ‘Men are From Mars, Women are from Venus’ John Gray points out gender differences. One of them is that women have the ability to get in touch with how they feel about something quickly. On the other hand, men take time to process. If it’s possible, let him know that in the near future you’d like to discuss the topic. This way he’ll have time to think a bit about it before the conversation starts.
Timing is Important
The first step is selecting the best time to talk about the subject. Timing can mean everything. If your husband is having a bad day it’s not a good idea to approach the topic. Try to approach him when there is an emotional connection between you. Watch for his non-verbal cues which suggest he’s relaxed and possibly open to a rather deep conversation.
Have a Supportive Tone
One of the most important things to convey to him is that you are on his side. You’ll have to talk to him in a loving way. Do whatever is necessary to show him that your only agenda is to support him in healthy ways.
Ambiance Must Feel Relaxing
Ensure that the place you pick for the conversation is good. You don’t want to be interrupted or overstimulated. If there is a spot in your home or outside in a private area where you have been able to have emotional intimacy in the past, choose that.
Physical affection
To keep him feeling close, you may want to include physical touch. Holding his hand, rubbing his back or just putting your hand on his shoulder may keep him grounded and feeling that he has an emotionally supportive partner.
Start the Conversation
It’s a good idea to start the initial conversation by letting him know that your goal is only to help him through this rough patch by attending to his emotional needs. In addition, let him know that you know he’s having a rough time making a decision and you want to give him as much emotional support as you can.
Be a Good Listener
Be an active listener during the entire conversation. Active listening is not just listening. It’s letting your romantic partner know you are listening. This can be accomplished by looking him in the eye. Also, you can repeat what he said to make sure you understand what he meant by what he said. He’ll correct you if you misunderstood and that’s a great way to keep connected.
When listening, don’t judge what he is going through. Even if it appears he is catastrophizing the situation, realize that he really feels that intense about it and these are difficult emotions for him to process.
Don’t cut him off while he’s talking. This can be difficult. After many years of marriage we often know what our family members will say before they finish. Keep quiet until he’s finished.
Offering Advice
The next step is offering advice and emotional support. This can get really tricky. He may want the decision to be his alone. Some people want to feel they have worked together towards a solution others want to make the decision themselves. Just be careful that your own feelings don’t over power the direction of the conversation.
Supportive Speech
Asking questions is the best way to deal with someone who can be triggered emotionally. When he provides an answer, go with it no matter what. Once you contradict him, he could be triggered and the conversation will be over. If you want him to see another side or offer a difference of opinion, ask a question rather than offer feedback.
Questions to Get Started
When I read your specific situation I definitely come up with many questions you can ask to get him talking and thinking about his decision. I might start with the following questions.
Does He Want The Job
“Do you want the new role?” Bottom line I think he needs to hear himself answer this question. Take away the ancillary factors. For instance “ Would you want this job if you weren’t close to retirement and if there wasn’t a long commute?” Although he’s told you he’s troubled at the prospect of the new position, it would be good to find out the reasons why.
How Will His Current Job Change
“What will happen to your current job if you don’t take the new role?” It almost appears as if he is being forced to take the new position. If that isn’t the case then I’d wonder why he’s even considering taking it. Is it more money? If so, how does he feel about the money? Does he have a reputation to worry about? Will people look at him differently? If they would, what would that mean for him? My thought on that is ‘who cares about reputation’ at this late stage in his career.
Will His Stress Increase
“Will his stress increase?” Although it obviously would, I’d want him to hear himself say it. When he confirms there will be more stress I’d ask “how might that stress affect you / us”. None of us know how long we have to live. Make sure to be as happy as you can in your situation for as long as you can
Is He Being Forced
“Is there the possibility of continuing to work as you are now without this change?” If he is tolerating the stress he has in his current position why even consider change.
How Will This Effect Him Long Term
Focus on the long term. “How do you want to feel when you retire”. When he says ‘he wants to feel good, remind him that his mental health could be triggered and affect him for the rest of his life. He may have come out of the last mental health crisis unscathed but you don’t know about the next one. “How do you want to feel physically when you retire”. When he says good, remind him that increased stress WILL affect his health.
Address His Mental Health
Mentioning his mental health problem may be a topic he won’t approach. Even if he won’t I think I’d risk the negative effects you might get. MENTAL HEALTH IS IMPORTANT!! Remind him what it was like for him and your family life when he was sick. Hopefully he’s invested in his partner’s feelings enough to realize he isn’t the only one affected by his decision. Tread lightly. “Do you think the added stress will lead you to another mental health crisis?”
You’d be surprised how many people, including myself at one point, are offered a step up and decide to stay where they are to keep stress at bay. Many, maybe even most, people don’t take their emotional or physical health into account when making work decisions but they should.
Not everyone wants the top job. As we age we may actually want a step down from the stress as we ease into retirement.
Reach Out
Often when I am dealing with issues with my husband we struggle because when heated we have a hard time listening to one another. I often pick up the phone and call his sister for advice. She knows him best and has good suggestions on how to work with him.
Maybe your husband has a relative one of you can call to get help. Bottom line you’re the right person to talk to him but maybe he’s just not open to it. If that’s the case, the two of you may need professional help after this is all said and done.
In a healthy relationship partners should be best friends who are open to help during particularly hard times. If you and your husband don’t have that kind of support from one another, you need to work towards it.
