7 Things You Should Never Apologize For

Although it’s a good idea to reflect on your behavior and apologize when needed, there are specific things you should never have to apologize for.  

Apologies

Trying to give an effective apology when you’re not really sorry comes across as ingenuine. So, consider a sincere apology on a case-by-case basis. Are you really sorry or just avoiding conflict?

The best way to express remorse via a heartfelt apology is by using the right words. You have to take full responsibility for the mistake and express that there will be no next time. Doing this is almost impossible to do if you haven’t really made a mistake.

It’s good to recognize when you’ve made a personal or professional mistake. We all make mistakes.  Hopefully you are capable of providing sincere apologies when warranted. 

Professional relationships can be key to a successful career. All the more reason that saying ‘mea culpa’ when you’ve errored is the best thing for everyone involved. You may have saved yourself from a negative review.  

It shows maturity and emotional health to be able to say you’re sorry. However, if you’re saying you’re sorry when you’re not, you’re not taking care of yourself.  

Apologies as Quick Responses

We all know those people who are guilty of excessive apologizing. For instance:

I have been playing pickleball for over 5 years now, with some pauses due to the pandemic and injuries. Pickleball is known and loved partially because people are automatically inclusive and they strive to have fun more than win. Team members are random and sometimes you don’t even know your partner’s name. We have a quote “No One Should Apologize in Pickleball”. We all know we’re doing our best. 

However, I know a specific person (I will not reveal her name) who apologizes every time she hits poorly or misses the ball. I tell her over and over, ‘please don’t apologize’.

Some people, like this woman, apologize without knowing it. She is just providing a quick response to an unintentional mistake.  

Have you ever been walking with a friend and your hands accidentally touch? I bet at least half the people reading this would apologize even though there was no mal intent or pain. It’s no big deal, however, there is an automatic ‘sorry’.    

One of the most important things you can do for yourself is apologize only for good reasons.  

Never Apologize For …

Here are a few things you should never apologize for. If you find yourself apologizing for these things, take some time to ask yourself why.

Your Feelings

Feelings are real and live inside of us even if we don’t acknowledge them. I have a quote

“If God were to have done us a disservice, it’s that you can’t cut us open and see the feelings. They are real and they are inside of us”.

Leanne Hart, LMFT

Everyone can feel differently about the same situation and it doesn’t mean anyone’s feelings are wrong. Don’t apologize if your feelings aren’t what others expect them to be. They’re yours and you have the right to feel them and to express them. Sometimes people question their feelings because others have a difficult time accepting them. Hold tight to what you feel! The feelings don’t always feel good but they’re real and you’re entitled to have them.

Saying ‘No’

We all have 3 personal limits. We have physical limits, emotional limits and intellectual limits. Many of us, however, don’t recognize our limits until we’re feeling stressed, overwhelmed or we get sick. In order to take care of yourself, you need to know your limits and set them.

Saying ‘No’ isn’t something to be sorry about. Saying ‘No’ is one of the best ways to take care of yourself. If someone else gets upset when you say ‘No’ then maybe it’s time to reevaluate the relationship.

Setting boundaries

Setting boundaries is paramount to staying emotionally healthy. When you recognize that a situation feels uncomfortable it’s time to set a boundary. For example, you may have that family member who like to drop in unexpectedly. We all know that poor timing can lead to a negative experience.

It’s okay to let that family member or anyone in your life know what you will not tolerate. There is no reason to apologize for setting a boundary that will take care of you. Someone has to.

Telling the Truth

Telling the truth can be tricky. While there are times when you may want to avoid the truth (you’re friend’s outfit is hideous although she loves it), you have a right to express the truth just like everyone else.

However, there are two things to consider when telling the truth; 1) Am I taking care of myself by telling the truth and, 2) Is there a reason to share the truth with someone especially if they may be hurt by it or take it as a personal attack. You come first!

If telling the truth takes care of you then you have do it. Sometimes the truth may not go over well with someone else but they’ll typically get over it. If others cannot accept your honesty then it’s time to share with someone else.

Asking For Your Needs to Be Met

We all have basic needs (food, clothing, shelter etc.) Beyond the needs for survival, however, we have many other needs. Some have needs to be listened to. Others have needs for affection. Again, others need sexual fulfillment. Whatever your needs may be, keep in mind they are real and you have a right to ask for them to be met especially by your significant other.

We often believe everyone has the same needs. Thus, we believe that having to ask for them to be met shouldn’t be necessary. Wrong! No one can read your mind. Take care of yourself. Even if no one understands why you need what you do, don’t apologize. Just ask!

Self Care

For most of us finding time to take care of ourselves is difficult. Career, kids, aging parents, and 100 more things appear to always come first. Yes, we have plenty to do. But what if we get sick and cannot take care of everyone and everything else? Guess what…life goes on without us.

Taking care of yourself is actually a form of taking care of everyone else. If you’re not well (physically, emotionally etc.), you can’t take care of anyone else. When you can see it from that perspective, there is no apology necessary for doing what you need to do to take care of yourself.

Letting Go

There is no reason to apologize for letting go of people, feelings and, situations which negatively affect you. Keeping a hold of worries, toxic people and stressful situations can be harmful to you both emotionally and physically. There is no reason to hold onto the negativity you suffer when you hold onto something unhealthy for yourself. There is also no reason to feel the need to apologize for letting go of that which negatively affects you. If you find yourself apologizing, then perhaps the person you’re apologizing to doesn’t care about you the way they should.

Reflect on the list above for a moment and acknowledge if you are apologizing for one of the things above. Be aware that if you’re apologizing for any of them, you are thinking about someone else before taking care of yourself. If you’re taking care of someone else, who is taking care of you?

Empaths and passive people often take responsibility for issues that are not their fault. They often do this to keep things peaceful and calm, in other words, to avoid conflict. Unfortunately taking on all that responsibility fills them with unhealthy emotions. When they finally break it isn’t pretty. Most will become depressed.  

Be good to yourself! Don’t sacrifice yourself by denying yourself the rights others exercise freely. You’re important too!