Deciding to Divorce (or not) is one of the biggest decisions married couples make. It’s a life-changing decision which will affect all areas of your life and the lives of your family.
The divorce process is grueling and can be horribly expensive. I know of 3 couples, both personally and professionally, who have spent over $700,000 on their divorce.
Many couples begin the process both agreeing they’ll have an amicable divorce. Unfortunately, the process itself can change how you feel and act. It can get ugly!
As a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist my suggestion is to do everything you can to make the marriage work. No one can imagine how painful the process can be unless you’ve been through it.
The good news is that there are couples out there who decide that divorce is their common goal and they are able to continue mutual respect through the process.
The Process
I preach to everyone about the fact that ‘limbo’ is the worst place to be in any situation. Knowing where you’re going to live feels better than not knowing. Knowing you will or won’t divorce feels better than not knowing. Knowing you’ll pass a test is better than not knowing. “Limbo is the Worst”
To Consider
While there are 100’s of things to consider before you decide to divorce (or not), here are a few to help you with your decision.
Define What Marriage Means For You
Nowadays there is no one size fits all definition of marriage. Marriage as defined in the dictionary is the legally or formally recognized union of two people as partners in a personal relationship. Historically, couples divorced less because the union was a contract between two people. This definition does not include any reference to how the two people in the contract feel about one another.
Now, people tend to look for their soulmate. I am not actually sure what that is. I don’t see it often.
Relationships change over time and it’s normal. Take a quick look at my post Why Falling in Love Feels so Good? The new way of defining a marriage is why the divorce rate has increased over the last few decades.
Divorce is now the easy answer when a married couple goes through a rough patch. He stays out too late? Divorce! She talks too much? Divorce! He isn’t attractive anymore? Divorce! She painted the walls green? Divorce!
What I have found after treating 1000’s of couples is that they all define a good or suitable marriage differently. Some couples truly hate one another but continue to go through life together. Others divorce over very small differences. Some just live together but have completely separate lives.
You have to decide what marriage means to you today and in the future. Then you’ll need to decide if your marriage fits within that definition.
Your Value System
Your own value system needs to be considered before making a final decision. You, as many others, may choose to stay with your partner for the rest of your life even if you’re unhappy. That’s perfectly okay for some people.
Some people have a value system which prevents them from even considering divorce. I would imagine if you were one of these people you wouldn’t be reading this. Some have religious beliefs that restrict it. Others will not break a committment.
Ask yourself if you would feel okay about your decision after you went through the divorce process?
Are You Lives Unusually Stressful at the Moment
It’s an absolute fact that there are certain phases couples go through which make life more stressful and less tolerable. Here are a few:
- Financial Difficulties
- Birth of a Child
- Parenting Differences
- Sexual Changes
- Moving
- Child Leaving for School
- Sickness and/or Loss of a Parent
Read about some of them in this informative article.
If the two of you find yourselves in a rather stressful period in your lives, perhaps now is not the time to make major decisions. Sometimes the best choice is to get through the difficult time, even if it requires professional help, then reevaluate your situation.
An Abusive Relationship
There are many types of abuse that you or your children could be suffering from. Emotional abuse and verbal abuse are both types of behavior which are not easily defined. Physical abuse typically escalates so even if you believe it’s not bad now, trust me, it will be.
Substance abuse is considered a family disease because it affects all family members. You’ll have to do some work discovering if and how it is affecting you and your children.
If there is physical violence you have no choice but to leave. Whether that means a legal separation or divorce it needs to happen. You can contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 800-799-7233.
On the other hand, if you find your abusive relationship tolerable and you don’t believe you should leave, you HAVE to seek either individual therapy or couples therapy from a marriage therapist, family therapist, or clinical psychologist. Perhaps one or the other of you suffers from mental illness. A therapist will be able to diagnose that and suggest the best ways to pursue help.
Too Much Resentment
Resentment will build over years of having issues with a spouse which have never been resolved. Let’s say your spouse had an affair 3 years ago. Although you have forgiven them and have tried to move past it you may still hold some resentment. Add to that years of fighting in which your spouse has never apologized or seen their part in the issue.
I was once told by a wise therapist that we all have resentment buckets. When your resentment bucket is full and overflows, you’ll feel it and perhaps act out. The other thing she said was that men’s buckets have a hole in the bottom. In other words, men don’t hold resentment as much as women. Maybe that’s a generalization.
Can you tolerate the amount of resentment you carry? Even more important can you get rid of the resentment you carry?
Have you tried everything
I have found that if someone decides to divorce their spouse, they need to be sure they are making the best choice for good reasons. No one wants to look back and second guess one of the biggest decisions of their life.
Below are a few things you may want to try before making this difficult decision.
- Marriage Counseling
- Individual Therapy
- Self-help Books
- Learn New Communication Skills (Try reading “Hold Me Tight” by Dr. Sue Johnson)
Consult with an Attorney
Do not hire an attorney yet. Like I’ve said Limbo is the Worst. I suggest to clients who are considering divorce to consult with an attorney. There are plenty who will provide you with free information you may need to know prior to making a big decision.
Get answers to questions about:
- Child Support
- Alimony
- Divorce Proceedings
- Legal Separation
- Divorce Laws
- Child Custody
- Legal Process
The most important piece of information I can give you after seeing 100’s of divorces is to try to do it yourself or use divorce mediation. Attorneys are incredibly expensive and at times focus on bringing their opponent down rather than just getting the divorce over.
Not all attorneys are like this of course. But after 25+ years of doing this I don’t have even one divorce lawyer referral. Many people hate their lawyers after the divorce. Perhaps it’s due to the emotional cost of losing the marriage itself.
