We’ve all learned that hindsight is 20/20. The worst time to learn your partner’s flaws is when you’ve already made some kind of commitment to a relationship. Most of my clients are able to look at the faults in their current partner and see that there were clues that existed from the beginning.
If you’re committed to a marriage or a relationship you don’t intend to leave, you’ll have to work through these issues. Enlist the help of a licensed counselor or therapist if you cannot work through them yourself.
If, however, you are in a position to move on, you can make very good use of what you’ve learned.I have my clients make a ‘red flag’ list after each failed relationship. Keep a list of all those things your ex did in the beginning which should have alerted you there was a potential problem. Write them down and head for the hills if you run into the same traits again. When the next potential partner exhibits them, you’ll know to let go early.
Below is a list of just a few of the behaviors which are commonly put on my client’s red flag relationship list. Maybe they should be put on yours?
Your partner is controlling or jealous and doesn’t appear to trust you
Maybe your partner was cheated on by an ex. Perhaps your partner’s parents were poor relationship role models. Whatever the reason, the behavior your partner exhibits tends to be possessive and controlling for no reason.
Here are a few examples.
- Your partner doesn’t like you to spend time with your friends or family.
- They get mad if you don’t answer their texts or phone calls immediately.
- He gets upset if other men talk to you or look at you.
- Going out with friends after work creates a problem.
You know very little about your partner’s overall life
Maybe you met online or at a bar. You feel you know your partner well. However, there some important parts of your partner’s life which your partner appears to be resistant to sharing with you.
For instance:
- You’ve never been to your partner’s home (He’s Married).
- Maybe, you are only allowed to call your partner at certain times (She’s Married).
- They haven’t let you meet any of their friends. (Friends can tell us a lot about the person we are dating.)
- He / She hasn’t introduced you to any of their family.
Your partner can become verbally, physically and psychologically abusive when angry
Although you know your partner loves you, they do very hurtful things when angry or in a bad mood. They always feels very sorry and tries to makes up for it.
- He has pushed you when angry.
- She calls you names when she’s angry.
- Your partner admits to a history of violence with an ex.
- They do not give any value to your opinion.
- You are demeaned by your partner in front of your friends.
- They exhibit volatile moods.
Your partner does not communicate well
Your partner’s communication does not appear to be honest and open. Although there doesn’t seem to be reason to lie, your partner appears to do it anyway. For instance.
- Your partner won’t tell you where they goes when they go out with friends.
- Any communication about your relationship is avoided.
- When you want to discuss a sensitive subject your partner becomes moody and silent.
- The two of you cannot discuss the past.
- Your partner doesn’t call when they says they would.
Your partner appears to be cut off from relationships with important people in their life
Although you are aware your partner has parents, siblings and extended family in the area, they refused to talk to them, about them, or to see them.
Your partner is irresponsible, immature and unpredictable.
Although your partner avoids talking about it, they do not appear to take care of important aspects of their life as a normal adult would. In addition, you end up taking responsibility for some areas you don’t think you should have to.
- I am very responsible with money but my partner doesn’t even pay their bills.
- Your partner seems to never have cash or their wallet so I pay for everything.
- There were times when your partner moved often and sometimes didn’t even have a place to live.
- You partner says he has a job but doesn’t appear to go regularly.
Your partner lacks the ability to make a commitment to the relationship
Although your partner is spending most of their free time with you, there are some hints that they are not as committed as you may have thought.
- She still has a close relationship with her ex.
- You’re ready for a serious relationship and your partner is not yet divorced.
- After a month of dating, you aren’t allowed to leave anything at your partner’s apartment.
You suspect there maybe a drug or alcohol problem
Many couples start their relationship going out and having a drink or two. However, when the relationship continues and a drink is always necessary to have a good time, you may want to consider there maybe a drug or alcohol issue.
- Your partner uses drugs on a regular basis.
- You notice that your partner appears to have to have a drink wherever you go anytime of the day.
- One early drink leads to an entire day of drinking.
Each of my clients, after years of dating different people, comes up with a very diverse and long list or red flags. In doing so, they become much better at letting go of someone quickly who exhibits traits they are not willing to tolerate. Eventually they are able to find the right person to spend their life with.
It can be so hard to be attracted to someone and see their best qualities and overlook their not so good qualities. However, the not so good qualities can become a real issue in the long run.
Look back on your relationship and assess what didn’t work for you. Make your red flag list and consider it when you date someone new.
You may find the right person by not falling into the same patterns as before. You may want to include the 8 red flags I have include above as a start. Also, check out my blog regarding Healthy Relationships to see if where your headed is in the right direction.
Choose wisely! It’s best to see clearly before a commitment is made.
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