I wish I could make a checklist which you could use to determine if you should stay or leave the relationship you are in. People often begin therapy looking for the answer to this very question.
Unfortunately, there is no such list. However, there are some things to consider which may help you move in the direction that is right for you. Below are just a few of the things to consider before you leave .
(You can also download a copy of Should I Stay or Should I Go? from my website to get a little more detailed information.)
Is Leaving Even Within Your Value System?
For some people leaving a long term marriage or relationship is not an issue. For others leaving goes against a life long promise they took very seriously, the religion they follow, or their sense of who they are as a person.
If leaving isn’t an option for you then stop thinking about it! Don’t make yourself miserable by entertaining an idea that doesn’t suit you.
Make the best of your situation. Get professional help. Make a life for yourself regardless of the condition of your marriage. You are an individual even within a couple. Celebrate who you are and enjoy being you.
Is This a Particularly Stressful Time for the Two of You?
Marriages have their ups and downs. Just because you may have a longer downtime doesn’t mean it’s time to throw in the towel.
Maybe you have a sick parent. You may be stressed because there has been the marriage of a child or the loss of a job. Happy or sad, these milestones create stress and stress can affect a relationship.
Take some quiet time to think about what’s going on in your lives Try to remember some of the up times. Do they seem possible again? Can you catch a glimpse of the good times even though things are hard right now? Have you talked to your partner about the current difficulties? Maybe an external stressor was what caused there to be an issue.
Have You Tried Everything?
Okay, so let’s say you’ve gotten to the point where you’re done and you plan on leaving. Please ask yourself if you’ve tried everything.
If you decide to leave you have to realize the turmoil of leaving a relationship is hard no matter what. If you are the least bit ambivalent because you haven’t done all you can, the process can be even harder on both of you.
No one wants to look back and wish they’d done something more or something different. Let a professional help you work on new things to try if you’re not sure you’ve exhausted all avenues.
Are You or Your Kids Being Abused?
If there is abuse then you need to protect yourself and your children. Although it’s hard, and maybe he does ‘love’ you, keep in mind love is a behavior. If his behavior is abusive and not ‘loving’ then maybe it’s not the love you need or want.
Additionally, you are responsible to keep you and your children safe. There is plenty of professional help out there for you and your partner. Maybe you can pull it together when the abuser has sought long term help (1 year at least). But for now, leaving is necessary.
you are responsible to keep you and your children safe. There is plenty of professional help out there for you and your partner. Maybe you can pull it together when the abuser has sought long term help (1 year at least). But for now, leaving is necessary.
To know if your needs are being met you must first identify what your needs are. Then you must do some soul searching to decide if that need not being met should leaving the marriage or relationship.
Can that need be platonically met outside the relationship? Are you able to meet that need yourself? Can your friends and family meet that need? It’s up to you to determine if you can live with or without each of your defined needs and if it’s your partner’s responsibility to meet them.
Unfortunately, there is no rule book to follow when making a decision about continuing a relationship. We’re all different. What works for some doesn’t work for others. Marriage can be a challenge at times but it doesn’t mean you should end it when it’s hard. If you’re struggling know that you’re not alone. Get professional help if you need it. It’s time to feel good again! And you can!
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